Nothing Is Lost

It’s March 13, 2020 and my husband returns from his travels with Covid. We are at a loss. No one knows anything about this virus yet. I then test positive. We move through it as the world is getting to know it. We are two of the lucky ones.

Weeks pass. The world is shut down. It feels like the right time to adopt a dog. We had been talking about it for a loooooong time. It happens fast. On April 3rd, we welcome Ruby into our home. We are proud and excited and IMMEDIATELY post on FB and Instagram. We are giddy and scared and in love and isolated and still recovering from Covid. Hours turn into days and although Ruby is a beautiful, sweet girl, we are beyond overwhelmed. We cannot socialize with anyone, cannot get help as first-time dog owners, and we are lost in the cloud of nightly news with reports of Covid everywhere.

At this early-in-the-pandemic time, I am just getting into the full swing of offering psychotherapy sessions via Zoom to my dear clients. I miss going into NYC and I wonder if my clients are getting enough of me. Everything seems two-dimensional, especially through the screen. I feel lost. There is so much going on inside and around me in addition to having Ruby. I cannot manage it all.

A part of me does not want to share this story. But I know that shame grows in cold, dark, quiet places.

So…

After three weeks, and after many late-night conversations, we surrender Ruby back to the shelter. Our tears are filled with feelings of incompetence and sorrow. Lost in guilt and embarrassment, we face the fact that Ruby is lost to us, and we to her. We do not take surrendering her lightly. We are reassured by the shelter owner that she would find her forever home. Then, a light in the darkness. The shelter shares with us that Ruby was adopted by a family with three little kids. We are sent a photo of them laughing with her.

Since that day, I’ve thought of Ruby often. Time passes. We become deeply attached to friends’ dogs. Nope, still not the time.

Until it is.

On December 29th, we adopted sweet Stella. She came up from Texas with two other pups after her owner died. She was scared of everything, and we opened our arms, hearts and our home to her. It feels different this time. We are no longer in the heat of the trauma of the global crisis. We are not recovering from Covid. We are laughing and connected and even when she pees or poops on the floor as she’s learning, we can breathe and know that we are learning too.

Calm nervous system? We’re trying.

Curious mind and assertive presence? We hope so.

An open heart? We know so.

We are reading and watching training videos and soaking in words of wisdom from others who have walked this path.

We are IN.

I hope you’ll take some time to scroll through these pictures of our girl. Stella is wildly present, wickedly funny, wonderfully communicative and WAY adorbs.

As I learn and stretch and grow with Stella, Ruby has been walking with me in the cells of my body. I can now look at photos of Ruby with kindness towards myself. Ruby cracked me open and invited me to find forgiveness for myself. And I can feel her helping me with Stella. I picture her thriving with her big, active family and that makes me smile.

Feeling found after feeling so lost. I have not lost Ruby. Even though it was brief, she is one of my most important teachers. Stella is allowing, inviting and encouraging a rebirth. Nothing is lost.

Thank you, John O’Donohue, for these words…

Nothing is Lost

All through your life, the most precious experiences seem to vanish. Transience turns everything to air. You look behind and see no sign even of a yesterday that was so intense. Yet, in truth, nothing ever disappears, nothing is lost. Everything that happens to us in the world passes into us. It all becomes part of the inner temple of the soul and it can never be lost. This is the art of the soul: to harvest your deeper life from all the seasons of your experience. This is probably why the soul never surfaces fully. The intimacy and tenderness of its light would blind us. We continue our days to wander between the shadowing and the brightening, while all the time a more subtle brightness sustains us. If we could but realize the sureness around us, we would be much more courageous in our lives. The frames of anxiety that keep us caged would dissolve. We would live the life we love and in that way, day by day, free our future from the weight of regret.